You See Dry Bones

Are you ready for some football?

Here it is, my official guide to the NFL 2009-2010 season. Trust me, it is like none you have ever read. If you use this guide correctly, you will be able to predict the end of the season (like everyone else) with accuracy (sort of) and confidence (not really). Hey, even if you are not a fan of the NFL, you should enjoy this.

First. You have to know some of the back stories of the 2009 season.

Things people will be talking about at the start of the season (which was yesterday, with one game) you can now be knowledgeable about:

• Bret Favre (pronounced FARV, not Fave-ray) is back after retiring a second time. This time he plays for the rival of his old team, the Green Bay Packers.
• The infamous Terrel Owens plays for the Buffalo Bills now. No longer is he on a big-market team like Dallas.
• Chad Johnson Ochocinco is on Twitter…I know, I don’t care either.

What does any of this have to do with anything? Not much. It will just make you look smart.

Second. Things you need to know while watching games this year.

• The curse of the Madden lives.  Every player who has been featured on the cover of the Madden video game series has been somehow injured the next year while playing. This year, Troy Polamalu (probably the best Safety EVER) is on the cover with Larry Fitzgerald.  Last night, Troy sprained his MCL and will be out 3-6 weeks…(queue the creepy music now).
• Everyone who is not a New England Patriots fan hates the Patriots, even if their team does not play them this year.
• The Lions won zero games last year.  Zero.  None. Nadda. Absolutely zip. They have a chance to win one this year. Maybe.
• The NFC East is the MOST over-rated conference.

Third. My fantasy football team is better than yours.

Look, my team may not be as awesome as last years (when I had Phillip Rivers, Kurt Warner, and Micheal Turner), but it is still pretty sweet. Ok, I am lying. I only have one or two studs and do not anticipate a good year. But hey, maybe Roddy  and Brandon Jacobs can carry me.

Fourth. You can copy my predictions, even if they are wrong and you disagree with them.

Every site out there has some sort of prediction of who will win how many games and the Super Bowl. They are probably base don some scientific formula and lots of math. Mine? They are based on gut instinct and…well…that is about it.  I am hardly an expert and I am really just shooting in the dark.

Football is made up of different divisions spread out among two conferences. Each division winner goes to the playoffs as well as two wild card teams who had the best records, but did not win their division. Here are my division winners (in bold) and wild card picks (Italics):

NFC East (the over-rated ones)

1. Giants
2. Eagles
3. Washington
4. Dallas (I know, What the heck? Dallas is in the East? Since when? I thought they were in the wild, wild west. I mean, they should at least swap with Carolina or something, right? Go in the south….Lame)

NFC North (where football is played in snow. Lots of snow, except those pansy purple Vikings and Detroit, but hey, does that surprise anyone? They were not tough enough to win even one game last year)

• Da Bears (I smell Super Bowl contender)
  
• Green Bay
• Vikings
• Detroit (hey, I bet they win at least 4 games)

NFC South (The best division in football because of the Atlanta Falcons)

• Atlanta (The best team ever….I may be biased)
• The Aint’s (I mean Saints)
• Carolina (losers)
• Tampa Bay (even bigger losers)

NFC West (This division has the best chance of being strong this year. Every team could kick some rear.  Even St. Louis)

• San Francisco (their coach mooned the team and said that best represented their playing last year.  They will win, a lot.)
• Arizona ( bet they tie with Seattle)
• Seattle (see above, but I think they can win the tie-breaker and go to the Playoffs)
• St. Louis (actually, they could be the 1st place team. They are my sleeper pick to win)

AFC North (I am so glad Atlanta is not in this division)

• Pittsburgh
• Baltimore
• Cincinnati (They could still win 9 or 10 games)
• Cleavland (does not rock)

AFC East

• New England (I think they may be fading, but still able to win their weak little division)
• Miami
• Buffalo
• NY Jets

AFC West

• San Diego (they have few who can challenge them this year)
• Denver (the best of this train wreck division…)
• Oakland
• Kansas City

AFC South

• Colts (Trendy, maybe. They could drop to second behind Tenn.)
• Tennessee
• Houston
• Jacksonville (I like the Jags, I just think they are a year away from competing. All that said, they could still easily leapfrog Houston and contend)

Super Bowl Contenders:

I will take the Bears vs. Pittsburgh.

Why? The Bears have a great defense and have added a phenom of a QB. Pittsburgh is that good.  Sorry Bengals fans (I live among many of them), you may have a better year than last, but you are no Steelers.

Agree? Disagree? Don’t care?

Lemme know.

-Don-

PS, Don’t worry my new theologians, we will be back to discussing big books on Monday.