This is one of those posts which we can all look back on in a week or two and go; “ahhh, now it all makes sense.”
I always feared I would become “that guy.” You know, the one who decided to allow his career or what he did to become his identity. This is incredibly common. We identify ourselves and others by what we do. To prove my point, pick a famous athlete and imagine them clipping their toenails, out of uniform. Weird, huh? I mean, Matt Ryan (of the greatest football team on earth, The Atlanta Falcons) is a Quarterback, right? All day everyday. He throws a ball and rarely gets sacked thanks to his impressive offensive line which includes guys like Sam Baker…Sorry, I think I got off topic. But you get the point.
Even more common among pastors.
Pastors and others in ministry are, and rightfully so, held to higher standards. We never envision them as doing anything other than reading their Bibles all day, every day; and never sinning. I remember walking into the office of a Baptist preacher when I was around 9-years-old. Books as far as the eye can see. It was at this time I first saw the Bible on computer (we are talking x386 here. Old). The pastor always seemed so holy. When my dad told me the pastor once dropped the “s” word in front of him, my perception shattered. I mean, this guy would not even let people listen to rock music! How could he drop the “s” word?!? Pastors often become identified by what they do and not with Christ. I have known a handful of pastors who have been fired or who have left the church on a bad note who quickly shed their (false) images in front of me. It was as if the image kept them from sinning outside of their minds and they had suddenly been set free on a moral level (which might help you understand why they were fired in the first place…)
Then something threatens your position.
If you have decided to live up to your portrayed image, it becomes harder to let go of it. We spend our time dying for all the wrong reasons. We fight for what we wish to become, even those things which seem righteous. When something comes along that can change your course or stop you completely, panic sets in. Our pride is about to fall under the hammer, and that hammer is a 20 pound sledge. This is why any identification outside of Christ puts us at risk. We risk a failure to worship God and a failure to be sanctified.
Who are you?
Many of us have “subtitles.” They are things like; mom, dad, husband, wife, pastor, son, daughter, technician, teacher, engineer, musician, servant, and much, much more. One thing I have always struggled with is being a “son.” I did not have the worlds closest relationship with my dad. I never learned the nuances of sonship. By the time I was in high school, I rarely saw either of my parents. My “right to be called a son of God” still seems elusive.
Until I learn to be a son…
I will always be living up to the image I cast out and the perception others have of me. And I don’t like it.
-Don-
This post is very relevant to what I've been working through with the Lord (you know, in the middle of night when I "should" be sleeping). I have been trying to perfect my performance as loving mom, supportive wife, local missionary, etc… Though it's not wrong to want to do these things to the glory of the Lord, I have realized I have been trying to do this outside of the Lord. I have been seeking the expertise of others in these areas through books and blogs and even the Bible in order to "do things better." Today I am choosing to seek the Lord for His sake and mine. I want to delight in Him as his daughter and follow Him with ease.
I don't have identity crisis. This is silly
Okay, just kidding. Mine is Independent, can do things fine on my own.
I remember when I finally realized I was a slave to other people's expectations. It became clear that almost everything I did was in order to impress others and live up to their expectations of who they thought I was / ought to be. And eventually I failed to live up to expectations and my whole system had to be reevaluated. That was a painful blessing.
Right now, my "subtitles" are…still too many. And I think I am wearing myself out sometimes trying to maintain them all. It would be better if I had no will, no agenda of my own, no personal stake in matters, and was a surrendered servant.
I'm a husband, teacher, son, brother, uncle, friend, coach, advisor etc…I think I'm only really good at being a husband and a teacher.
I'm not sure if living up to expectations is a big deal. I think I hold myself to a higher standard than my community does (which is still pretty high for teachers), but even if they were the ones that kept me on track, It would probably eventually just become a natural part of me.
I've heard it said that politeness is learned through hypocracy. We pretend to be polite and eventually we really are. I think there are many lessons learned that way, and I'm not sure that is a bad thing.
Dude. You could write a book on some of this stuff.
My issue is clinging to a title. When that title is taken away, I panic. But how important was the title in the first place in the grand scheme of things?